jellybrain theme

the great unsung heros of pop

stuff and nonsense

brown eye on the world

i don't believe it

it's a funny fucker of a world

 

JELLYBRAIN
by Paul Raggity

jellybrain

jellybrain


JELLYBRAIN

JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #1
Never go swimming on a full stomach. It's a lot easier in water.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #3
Save money on presents for kids at Christmas by buying lots of pieces of balsa wood of varying sizes, and wrap them all up separately. That way they think they have loads of presents and it hardly costs a thing!


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #5
If you want a cup of tea, but simply can't be bothered to do it yourself... talk to your boy/girlfriend in a dumb childish voice. They might think it's 'cute'. Usually works!


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #7
Never trust a man with egg on his face. He obviously gets up to no good.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #9
Always put your left arm in the air like an elephant's trunk when trying to eat sweets without anyone else knowing.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #11
Always keep some piss in a jar. Then if friends bring their kids round and they start to get on your nerves you can give them it to drink and tell them it's Orange Juice.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #13
Never rub your eyes after eating Doritos.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #15
Ladies, are you the victim of men looking at your tits, brushing against your arse and generally leching after you in nightclubs or your place of work? Then simply wear a ginger wig and put on loads of weight until you sweat a lot and smell like a pig... you'll have no trouble.
(unless of course you're already a fat ginger stinking moose, in which case you're already pretty safe).

JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #2
Don't even try to spell license: liscense... lisence... it changes every time you see it.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #4
Thin turds, frozen onto a lolly stick make ideal treats for kids knocking on your door on 'Trick or Treat' night.
(For added pleasure, shout "Ha Ha! the trick's on you!" as they make their way down the street).


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #6
Peel off the labels from your tins of food to make Tea Time a lot more of an adventure as you have to guess what you are going to eat... Unless of course you shop at Aldi, in which case you have to do that already!


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #8
Never put your feet up on the settee after standing in dog-dirt. You can only turn the cushions over the once...


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #10
Don't waste money buying bin liners, simply go into a Charity Shop and tell them you have some stuff to donate and they give you sacks free. Sometimes the gullible fools even put them through your letter box!


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #12
Don't lick your finger if you think it went through the toilet paper whilst wiping your bottom. Smelling it will be enough to find out...


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #14
Never stand next to that man in the public urinal who pulls his pants and trousers right down to have a piss.


JELLYBRAIN TOP TIP #16
Don't buy your food from poncy, continental-style eateries if you don't know the difference between the words Bagel and Beagle.


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